Sometimes, i really don't understand why do i have to fought so hard for the things i wanted, having to shed countless tears for it. It's always been the case 'when you struggle out of darkness, you'll emerge as a stronger warrior' thing. Why can't my life just be a bed of roses, why can't it flow properly. It's like god wanna test if my faith was strong enough to endure, and i'm just a puppet for him to be manipulative for the path i'm walking through.

Tell me, how can one not sad when everybody's out there enjoying this festive seasons with their relatives and the kids laughing and sharing what they've been doing for the past year. It's really pure joy just to sit down and chat anything but everything under the sun. Why do i not have the luxury to enjoy proper every new year? Mom went out earlier in the morning on the day of chinese new year to the temple and to relative houses having no intention to bring the entire family out. Wasted the whole of today watching movies and sleeping this sadness away till night.

I know dad's been a great dad, mom too. I'm not sure why i'm feeling this way, but it's just this sour and emptiness within myself that i had to release. Even soughing out to boyfriend seems hard to reach cause everybody is pretty caught up with their lives and time's of essence to them. Having a proper chat can be really hard and the distant gonna be wider as time goes........which i wish everybody could just, take the time off their busy scheldue to care.

maybe disappearance could do the trick, but even if one day i really do it might just backfired and nobody will care enough to bother. Smile is a facade, that's is.