I stepped into church for almost 4 years, since i was saved on that faithful, christmas day. But, I'm truly am ashamed to be a christian as I never regard God as first. It was never my piority to attend church services regularly especially on saturday night, where my cell group is supposingly attend every week.

I confessed the reasons why.

Saturday nights are always the best part.
On saturdays, there will be never ending fun. Why should I attend service? There's friend's gathering, random catch ups to be done because that's the only day where majority of the part-timers, full-time NSF soldiers are free. It was the day where I always have to battle between going service or spending the full day with my boyfriend/friends. It was honestly a difficult decision because I would want to go for both. Both my past boyfriends are not christians and my current one is having his service on sunday so it's a little difficult to ask them along with me.

But..God forgives me all the time. I gave all excuses but still, he's always there when i need the most. I always pray for a little miracle, but he gave me more than i required. i don't deserve any single bit from him, yet he's always so merciful and his love is undoubt. Should have already rise up as a youth leader since i'm in church for so long, but i wasn't discipline and ready for any call.. not even boldness to join SOT (School of theology) and immerse in the world of god.

I dread about the long services and the worship lessons
I always attend services because there's fellowship and fun was all I craved of. We used to always go for late night movies, suppers and walking around marina bay sands and watch the sky lights. It used to be never on my decision to just pray and worship but because of the activities after service. I never once took out the bible because I believing in reading from the screen and remembering it. All the verses, the notes I've typed in my Ipod/Iphone are all cleared because I restarted my devices due to lagginess. It was a pity because it contains great lessons about bible and the teachings. Worship period is always so so so long, we'll sing hillsong songs especially chorus again and again.

Whenever i felt so down, I really appreciate long services so so much. All the worship songs miraculously start to heal my broken heart, be it disappointment, sadness or anger.I remember vividly i used to attend service in tears, frustration but when i started to sing, I felt so comforting. It's as though I had a contact with god. 1 Peter 5:7 "cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you".God loves you.

I dislike routines
I really dislike when my cell group leader text me and called me repeatedly when I don't turn up for service. I don't like it when they asked the reasons it is as though, i'm obliged to attend. I don't like when I have to come up with a valid reason not to go church especially when my best friend is on fire for god..... it's like it a must to schedule my saturday every week and nothing else. They always say if you don't attend, you'll eventually backslide from church which I felt damn pressurised about. I don't want to backslide, neither do i want to stuck with the routine of attending frequently. "I have a life to live for, especially i'm young"

They are the ones to pick you up when you're hurt, asked if you are alright or simply just catch up to see how are you doing. Hardly anyone does that, not even some friends who you've known for many years. Everybody just so caught with work, studies that they forget to drop a text to ask how are you doing. Was feeling so upset today tearing on the bed but best friend's text " good morning!! time to wake up for service" brought me a smile. Honestly, it wasn't the work of god, we wouldn't be best friends of 12 years. She was the one who brought me to church, brought me a group of amazing friends in church and became my best buddies ever since. I have to confessed that Sec 4 was my lowest period where my good friends and I sort of fell out in the clique.

Praying in tongues for long sometimes still scares me
I have seen people yelling loudly and people just mumbling to follow what the majority does. Honestly I was just pretending i'm praying in tongues all along until one day i began to speak eloquently. It scares me and so happy at the same time because I finally received the holy spirit but i've no idea what I'm talking about. How can i even get such a great gift from god when i don't even attend services frequently?

 However with this gift, I was able to pray for the sick, able to pray for a better day, better future and for everything that is smooth till now. With my grades, I wasn't even supposed to skip usual poly structure semester, but yet with god grace he arranged me to be in such good environment to work in, great place to know a bunch of really nice colleagues (in fact the best place i ever been in). It was just a simple tongue prayer in the night to make my internship smooth, yet he made it come true. All for me...

I don't know what good do I deserve from god everytime with such horrible thoughts I had about going to church. What I want to tell is that, god is good. All the time. Felt so touched by today's service that my tears just trickled down uncontrollably. So blessed that we have pastor who does missionary at the age of 24 and even blesser to know that with 20 dollars in his pocket, he changed the world revolution of christ starting from philipines. People will never understand why we're so fire for the church, for the god because they never once truly sat for any of our services. It's always so amazing that no words can describe, especially today's. Really hope to start attending services frequently and inviting more new friends for this great church, for a great god. Easter is coming!!

Before i end this off, just want to share this amazing song by hillsong that we sang earlier on.



Thank you god for everything. :)